TOP SECRET!

Classified-top-secret

Sir John Sawers
Secret Intelligence Service
PO Box 1300
London
SE1 1BD

Dear Sir,

I understand from the newspapers that one of your operatives has been arrested in Iran, accused of spying on Iranian oil shipping.

What I fail to understand is why you failed to provide him with the invisibility device used by thousands of people up and down the country everyday.

As someone that suffers from multiple sclerosis, a fluctuating condition, I occasionally use one myself, and I can tell you that nothing ensures invisibility like them; the minute you sit down you are guaranteed not just anonymity, but 100% invisibility!

I have been used as a parcel shelf on a bus and train – where someone has plonked a bag or, as happened on Monday last, a rucksack upon my knee – and when I had the audacity to complain they actually said, and I quote, “Oh, I didn’t see you there.”  You will note that there was no apology – they genuinely thought I was part of the fittings of the bus – THAT is how effective this invisibility device is!

Even when you are being assisted, such as the bus driver lowering the ramp for you to get on the bus and you are lined up ready to get on, people will push past you to run up the ramp and then stand in the bay where you are supposed to go and when the driver tells them to move, they will say that “well, there is nobody there, why can’t I stand here?”, despite the fact that they have just ran past you…

Or, if you have somebody with you, still nobody will see you…  They will see the person behind you, even have a conversation with them, but will never see you!

These are just three examples of the effectiveness of the invisibility device, I am sure that people that have been using one longer than I have could give you countless more examples.

This invisibility device isn’t even that expensive – although mine cost somewhere in the region of £800 as it is bespoke, you can pick one up for as little as £80, including VAT, but I’m sure that, as you would probably buy in bulk, you could get a substantial discount, thus pleasing the bean counters in the public accounts committee!  Plus there are all the savings in failed espionage missions – none need ever fail again!

I do hope that you will pass this letter to whoever the real-life equivalent of “Q” is these days so that they may properly assess the suitability of the invisibility device for SIS missions, but I can assure you that they have been, and are, field tested every single day and are continually being found 100% effective.

Yours sincerely,

Adam Costello

What to write???

Aside

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I’VE decided to write a blog?  Why?  My life is incredibly mundane, run of the mill and let’s face it, boring…

I suppose I could write about what’s going on in the world, but since I would be writing about the what latest things that the b*st*rds in the government are doing, for instance the announcement today that benefit cheats will face a maximum of ten years in prison instead of seven because it’s such a massive problem compared to the billions of pounds in tax avoided by the likes of Starbucks, Amazon etc (quite legally I hasten to add as I can’t afford to be prosecuted for libel!), or the millions of pounds claimed in expenses (£23.8 MILLION 2012/13 http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/mps-expenses/10306675/MPs-expenses-surpass-pre-scandal-levels-as-150-give-jobs-to-family.html)…  But I would just end up getting angry and start ranting…

I could write about how my business and administration course is going, or my law degree, but then I would just feel guilty as I should be doing them instead of writing about them, and let’s be honest, I’m far too wonderful to put a downer on myself…

One thing I won’t write about is my family…  I’m sure that neither K or J wouldn’t thank me for showing the world any foibles that they may have…  Not that they have any, of course…

So, I’m going to write about the thing that people ask me about most:  My MS.

“You don’t look ill…”

“It’s not really an illness though, is it?”

“But you’ll get better…”

I’ve heard all three of those, plus other stupid, inane comments and questions since I’ve been diagnosed, and I’ll be honest, before I got diagnosed, I’d never heard of it, so I would possibly have said the same things as well if I’d thought about it…

So I suppose I’d better explain a couple of things about MS:

There are several types of MS, and the type I have is Relapsing Progressive; what this means is that it will get worse, with episodes when it gets REALLY bad and then get slightly better.  The way it was explained to me is imagine being awake, then falling asleep, but when you wake up again, you’re not quite as awake up as you were when you fell asleep, and every time you fall asleep, you never quite wake up as much…  But you never know when you’re going to fall asleep, or how much you’re going to wake up…

It’s a Pain In The Ar*e, hence the title of this blog…

Another thing about MS is, because it affects the brain, it affects different people in different ways, so treating it is incredibly difficult – what works for one won’t necessarily work for someone else; for instance, I’m on amantadine, propanolol and nortryptaline, which, at the moment is working, (with the occasional occipital block – a couple of injections into my brain – which is as horrific as it sounds), but this won’t necessarily work for someone else, and it may not continue to work for me as my MS progresses…

I will try and explain more about MS and how it affects me as I get used to writing this thing…

And I would welcome any feedback, questions, criticisms and praise from anyone that is bored enough to read this…

Finally for today, as I’m expecting a courier to come and collect something and I really need to go and get a shower, I never know from one day to the next if my body is going to work, mainly my legs, and as they are working today I want to do things, but wouldn’t you know it, I’ve got other things that are going to prevent me…  It’s a pain in the ar*e!